Half Way There

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! The weather matched my attitude and emotions on this dreaded V day. So, what did I do? Hmm...I woke up, visited with my parents for a few, came home to take a nap, order a pizza, painted with the kids and made mimosas. Honestly, I acted like the holiday didn't even exist. The only good thing that comes from this day is I know February is half over. Thank goodness it is the shortest month of the year.

Cheers!

Super Woman

So as you all know, I hate February. I just want to take the strongest sleeping pill and wake up in March, but unfortunately I don't have that option. So, I deal with it. I relive the pain of losing Jim all over again. My sister-n-law said it best once, "there is just an irie feeling that comes over me in February." And bless her heart, she had to experience the pain of losing her brother on her birthday. The day he was buried, she celebrates another year of life. Ironic, huh? Either that, or just another one of God's tests. I have had a lot of people call me "Super Woman" but she is truly a "Super Woman" to me. So cheers to you Sarah and happy birthday!

I curse you February!

It is hard to imagine that my 7 week old is now 4 years old and my 16 month old is now 5 years old. Those were the ages of my children 4 years ago when their dad passed away. It is so hard to imagine that it has been that long. Yet at the same time, I can't remember raising children with him. I have learned to do it all for so long that actually having someone around is, well, a bit incomprehensible.

February is hard and dreaded every year now. Jim had his stroke on February 1st, passed away on the 3rd and buried on the 6th. He proposed to me on the 14th and my birthday is only to follow on the 28th. So now, I CURSE this month!

Here Are My Bread Pictures!

Keeping my fingers crossed and...

HERE WE GO!

Some Things I Never Learned

OKAY GUYS, I AM BACK! SORRY FOR BEING GONE FOR SO LONG!

Jim was the cook in our family and he was a great cook. He actually did all the grocery shopping for the family. I did the occasional baking cookies, pies etc but to actually cook a piece of meat was never in my "wife duties." Since his death, I have cooked chicken nuggets, chicken breasts and meatloaf. Everything else was salads, precooked meat, pastas etc. So today was a break through for me. I cooked pork chops with a wine reduction sauce. Go ME!!

Along with pork chops, I am making potato bread. I know all this isn't extremely healthy but I am having fun. The bread is still rising so you only get to see this part. Hopefully I will get a picture of the finally product. Crossing fingers!

Now, what in the world were the kids doing while mommy was cooking? Well, here are those pictures too. I have a mess in my house but we all had a blast!

Check out where I have been the past two months!

http://www.energyfitnesspaducah.com/makeover_amanda.html

http://www.ilistpaducah.com/ifit/3months

Ten Guilty Pleasures

1. Pizza - I love pizza! Thin crust pepperoni and pineapple. This combine makes me weak in the knees!

2. A KID FREE NIGHT - I love my kids but boy, I love them being away for the night.

3. Grey's Anatomy - Even though I cry like crazy at almost every episode, I love that show!

4. Wine - RED WINE

5. Web Window Shopping - I know...crazy, but love the thought of possibly buying one day.

6. Beach bumming - Nothing but sun!

7. Photography - LOVE!

8. Traveling - especially last minute trips

9. Chick Flicks - Corny movies

10. Manuals - I love to read manuals. I know, I am strange but I want to know how everything works.

Failed

I have failed at a lot of things lately. One being my 30 day challenge, another BLOGGING, and last but not least, dating. So, I apologize to you for not blogging, I apologize to my ass for not working out and I apologize to the guy who let a great girl slip away.

Speaking of slipping away, I think I am going to slip away from the dating world once again. I really can't take many more first dates. I am wanting to start making up stories just to mix it up a little bit. I feel like I am at a new doctors office filling out a medical questionnaire. I try hard to get through it as fast as possible because I know that I never have nor never will have prostate cancer! That is how I am with a first date. Seriously, I get so tired of talking about my favorite foods or what I like to do for fun. It sure as hell isn't going out on first dates!

However, you can tell how good I am on keeping my word (cough, cough), that if anything changes I will keep you posted. For now...AHHHHH, no more first dates! Stupid Cupid!

30 Day Challenge

So, I am starting the 30 day challenge on July 5, 2009! My goal is to lose at least 15lbs and increase my energy. The weight is important but the ENERGY is extremely important. I will log everything I eat, drink and all of my workout time, etc. I will also bitch a lot along with brag a lot when my pants start fitting better. So, if you are not up to my challenge, then you might want to refrain from coming to my blog for 30 days. I will however, keep posting pics and blogs in conjunction to this challenge.

A Miracle!

Some of you know but for those of you who don't, my brother was in a wreck this past weekend. He is a semi-truck driver and as you can tell from the picture, he is one lucky man to have only walked out with a few cuts and bruises. The good Lord was seriously watching over him. I believe he may have even had a very special Angel holding the truck to keep it from falling off the overpass. My brother is a best friend to me. He has been by my side ever since Jim's death and more than anything, a father figure to my kids. I have to say, this accident really scared me and I am sending kisses and prayers to the heavens above for keeping him with us.

Not so much a Master of his own Domain

*Please note that this blog is for adults 18 and older.

Ok, so I haven’t blogged in awhile and mainly because I have bee

n on vacation. My mother treated me and my kids along with my future sister-n-law and her son to Gulf Shores for a week. We had an amazing time. I love going down there for many reasons. One being, the beaches are extremely private compared to Destin or other places. The waters are calm and the sand is white. Another reason is I feel no obligation whatsoever to spend tons of money eating out. Mainly because the thought of seafood makes my stomach turn and we can cook in our condo for a lot less. As you can tell by the picture below, this trip was memorable. Also, please note how “HOT” my mother looks for 63yrs. (I am saying a small prayer to the Lord above asking to make me this HOT at 63yrs.)

But there is a part of this vacation that was jaw dropping experience. I do have to say this was a first for me and I am sure many of you.

So when we arrived, we got our stuff unpacked and heading straight for the beach. After a couple of hours baking in the sun, the kids grew tired and were ready for bed. Not long after, my mother and Lindsey (future sis-n-law) followed behind them. Well, I am the type of person that wants to take in as much of my vacation as possible, awake. So, I stayed up and indulged in a few adults beverages. Enjoying the breeze on the deck, I decided to give this guy, Ken, I have been dating, a call. (Please refrain from asking questions about him...LOL) Anyways, we had been talking on the phone for some while when I heard a single moan. My first initial thought was: “Really? I have only known this guy for a few weeks.” HA! But I soon learned that it was not coming from him on other end of the phone but from the swimming pool.

Now, the condo we stayed in was extremely nice and somewhat remote from the other condos in Gulf Shores. The pool was heated and well lit for night time swimming. However, at 9:30pm this evening there was only one guy that seemed to be utilizing the pool. And I understand why after seeing him. Yes, you guess it! This young man was spread eagle on the steps with lights shining on him, pleasuring himself! I gasped in shock that I couldn't even work up the nerve to say something to him. When I told Ken about what I saw, the laughs started coming and were almost uncontrollable. However, it didn't take this young man to finish...hard to imagine, LOL! But I did learn something new...after a young man pleasures himself in a swimming pool, he has to capture the deposits which float and dispose of the them. (UGH!! I know, extremely gross!)

I think I am now scarred for life and I am sure after reading this, you are too! My apologizes but I had to share.

Movin' Up

So, I spent the past weekend in Chaffee MO. As some of you know, I grew up close to the area but can honestly say I don't remember ever stepping foot in Chaffee. And when I say foot, I mean foot! This town isn't large enough for both of your feet. Although, it is quite small, it does have a comforting charm to it.

During my visit I was given the "grand" tour. The city center (cough) had an adorable little gazebo in the middle and of course, I had to snap a shot. Now it still needs some more tweaking but I am proud to say that it will soon hang over the toilet of a well know Chaffee celebrity! Yep! That's right! So, for those of you who had little to no faith in my photography future, HA! Just take a visit to the bathroom next time you are in Chaffee and you will see my work above a porcelain god.

DFL

DFL. You are probably wondering what the heck I am talking about. Right? Well, let me start off by emphasizing on the "D" aka the "BIG D." The “BIG D” is drama. We all ask for it, yet it seems inevitable to keep it from coming into our lives and turning everything up side down. But really, do I believe that it can be prevent from time to time? Sure! Some people just thrive on it as if it excites them, even though they would never admit it. Little do they know, it really takes it toll on those of us around them.

Now, I am not going to say that I am "perfect" at keeping this from happening to me and disturbing others but I do try to prevent at all cost. Like Jim's death, I was unable to prevent that and God knows I would have had he giving me the power. But calling everybody and their mother's to bitch about spilling M&M’s all over the floor? Geez, just pick the damn things up and go on with your life. (FYI...I have seen this example in person, not fun!)

Speaking of going on with your life, I truly believe one thing that can cause the big "D" is rehashing the past. I know people go through some really horrible times. But reliving it on a day to day basis is only going to cause pain which will only make you become a person no one wants to be around. I really wonder if these people ever think about this? Would you want to sit at a bar listening to Sue cry over her boyfriend or would you want to listen to Jenny make fun of her ex-boyfriend? It is the same thing about your past. Nobody wants to hear me talk about Jim all the time and have me cry about him and the pain his death caused me and my kids. That is why I do it here. You can choose not to read my DRAMA!

So here today, I declare my goal is to live the DFL (Drama Free Life)!!

Sink or Swim

I have officially signed back up to the world of online dating. I have tested these waters once before and either became overwhelmed or disqusted with it...not sure which one. Maybe it is the smell of Summer in the air or just plain boredom that leads me back down this road. Either way I am out there again.

I go back and forth on the concept of online dating. Does it show desperation or is it genuinely a great invention? Uh...don't know. What I do know that sitting at home on a Saturday night watching movies is never going to "get me out there." FYI...I do this not by choice hence the two pictures on the right of this blog. 

So, you know what I do like about internet dating? I can meet men in my PJ's and they have no idea. I don't have to put on makeup, Spanx's, high heels, and everything else to met someone. Which honestly, I do thank Dr. Phil greatly for this! Way to go! 

But really, for the desperation side of this, I don't understand what guys are thinking half the time. I get amazed at the number of them who truly think that emailing me to say "You're Hot!" is really going to get them a second look. Yeah, I'm hot...pshhh...in my PJ's with apple juice spilt all over me while inhaling a corndog watching SpongeBob. Yeah, that's hot. Come on, can't you come up with anything better? Seriously? If I can't carry on a 5 min conversation with me via email or phone, what makes you think I want to live the rest of my life with you? (ok, jumping the gun a bit with that statement) Or even have an hour dinner with you?  Really?

Either way it is perceived in my mind, I am out there again.  I know that I will either sink or swim and I am crossing my fingers that it is swim but if not, have a towel waiting to dry me off!

 

 

Man Projects

You take for granted the little things when you have to do it all yourself. But most of all, I miss not having to do my "man projects." These projects consist of taking the garbage out, changing a light bulb, fixing a broken door knob or even chasing a bird out of the house. YEP...that's right, a bird. Never did Jim and I have animals come in or around our house, but for some reason after he passed they seem to flock towards me.

When I first moved in the house, I was wakened every morning but a rooster.  My first thought was, "Who in the hell would have a rooster at their house in a sub-division?"  Until I noticed it hanging out in MY backyard.  Like I didn't have enough problems to deal with, now I have a wild animal waking me every morning a 5:30am.  I have a 1 year old, an infant, insurance companies, a new house, depression and SO ON...COME ON!

One morning as I was dropping the kids off at daycare, I started talking with a neighbor.  I asked her if she knew who the rooster belonged too.  She started laughing and told me the whole neighborhood thought I brought it with me.  Knowing that Jim just passed, they were being nice not to say anything.  I was so embarrassed!  Why would I want a roaster (aka a mean fighting cock in my eyes)?

So, knowing that it didn't belong to anyone, I called animal control and you know what they told me?  I had to catch it and they would pick it up.  ME CATCH A ROOSTER, HA!!!  That was pretty funny.  After many phone calls, they finally sent someone out to catch him or at least try to catch him.  

When they showed up, he came out of the truck carrying a shot gun, yes a shot gun and a net. I knew I was in Kentucky!  What animal control carries a shot gun?  LOL

After chasing the rooster for 2 hours and missing his first shot, he finally got him.  I have to say it was my first time experiencing the statement "Running around like a chicken with his head cut off."
Let's just say, rooster's do the same!

My Addiction

So as we all know or at least I believe, we all have an addiction to something. Rather it is food, alcohol, smoking, exercise or whatever, we all have addictions. Since Jim’s passing my addiction has become worse. I have always suffered from excessiveness in taking but today my problem is extreme. I wish this addiction was exercise or attending church but it is not. My addiction is what keeps me going from day to day. It helps me clean my house, wash my clothes, attend work, read stories to my kids and even take out the trash. It gets me up in the morning and keeps me up late at night. I love my addiction actually. But I feel it is time to admit my problem. I am pretty sure there isn’t a rehab for my addiction and quiet frankly, I am glad. Because no matter how persuasive the intervention might be, I won’t be able to commit to give it up. So, today I give thanks to my addiction. I couldn’t make it through a day without my Diet Coke!

Stable or Unstable, that is the question

You would think that after 3 1/2 years, I would be stable. But stable is still a word/feeling I am trying to establish in my life. I feel like most days I just run in a circle, trying to figure what to do next. I try hard to avoid the natural things I should be doing, like cleaning, cooking and washing clothes. Although, I have taught myself not to look ahead, I still look for different.     Something to keep me motivated to go on to the next day. I think a lot, that if I had to live everyday the same way without Jim, I would go nuts. Then I think a lot of times, my kids need more consistancy in their lives. I should make a 

 schedule and stick to it. Dinner at 6pm, baths at 7pm, story time at 8pm, lights off at 8:30pm. Which mostly I do, but it is the 8am-6pm that gets me. And of course, the 8:30pm-6am when I am alone. I work part-time, but I am praying everyday that my job lasts. My hours have decreased greatly and my unstable life, has become more unstable. 

What happened to my stable life? What happened to full-time work, family breakfast/dinners, grocery shopping only on early morning Saturdays, Sunday lunch after the church? These are just a few things that were consistant in my life with Jim. We had our routine, we had our way of doing things. Now, who knows when and where we will be. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

So, you probably think that I grieve a lot. But honestly I don't. I just let it all out here. I try hard not to think about Jim and my stable life. I try not to let it bring me down. But I do miss it. I do miss Jim. GOD, I miss Jim. I miss his laugh, his warmth, his love. It is crazy how he can be gone almost longer than we were together and yet, I still miss him.

My son asked this week if he could take the picture of Jim out of room to school to show his friends. Yet again, I was taken back by this but agreed. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me. He shouldn't have to take a picture to prove to his friends that he HAS a daddy. He should be able to have his daddy pick him up. And so should me daughter. Why? Why is this still SO hard?

(picture taken at the birth of my daugther,  7 weeks before Jim's passing)    

A Day at the Park

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Well the pool is opened, heated and filled with all the neighborhood kids and I love it!  The sound of summer at my house is kids laughing, water splashing and popicle licking.  Although, I truly believe I am going to have to ask their parents for a "snack" fund collection this year, I am more than excited to be back in swing of summer again.  

  

Why is love so hard to find and keep?  

It seems like we run through a maze to find it and yet when we reach the end it seems impossible to keep.

My favorite memory, is the beginning.  The unknown of where the relationship is going to lead but discovering new and exciting qualities about one another.  Staying on the phone all night, goose bumps before he picks you up for a date and the fear, yet excitment that this could be the man I spend the rest of my life with.  

Why does love have to be so hard?

I am ready for simplicty again.  

Polly want a cracker?

So the other day, I took the kids to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and of course I could get out of there with just buying breakfast.  Between stuffed animals costing $15 (aka webkinz) and the $20 talking parrot, I encouraged the parrot!  This thing is really pretty cool!  It repeats what you say.  I loved it and the kids do too.  Now, give me a week and I will want to throw this thing in the pool after non-stop repeating but for now, it is pretty cool!

Refillin' the Pool

Turns out my pool liner had a hole in it.  After draining the pool, patching the hole and beginning to refill, the kids got too excited about swimming!  I love it!  Oh, and YES they stripped down to their undies...who needs a bathing suit?  LOL

Don't fall out of your rockin' chair

So, as most of you know, I am VERY new to the photography thing.  I am being self-taught with many books, webpages and personal advice from professionals.  I am loving every minute but I have to tell you, I have a HUGE ITCH to learn more and can't wait to get into a class.  I also have to say, I am seeing the world totally different these days.  I see simple images through a camera lens instead of the naked eye.  It is truly amazing and really can't wait to see more.  

I have photographed other kids and compared to my two, they ALWAYS seem to photograph better.  Is it because I am too picky on the images of my kids?  I want to think so, but I can never get them to smile.  Silly faces with tongues sticking out, or eyes rolled up is mostly what I get.  How can I get a great smile with eyes open?  This is delima.  

I did however get one shot of Evie smiling but only because she was fallin' out of her rockin' chair.  

My mother

My parents moved to Kentucky right after Jim's passing to help me with the kids.  It was hard to accept help at first because I felt like I should be "Super Mom."  Thinking, "these are my kids now and I have to do it ALL by myself."  But you know what?  NO one is SuperMom.  And accepting help from others, is a really great thing.  I remember the first night I got to sleep 8 straight hours.  It felt better than the thought of winning the lottery.  Now, the kids spend one night a week over there.  I wish Jim's mother was closer so they could share this time with her too but I am very thankful to have my mother close.  

Spring is here

I love this picture.  I can't wait to watch all the flowers grow. 

What lies ahead

The people in my life:

There have been many people in my life.  Some I would mention and some I wouldn't, just for saving face.  But I have to say, that every person who has come into my life has had a purpose. Rather that purpose is to praise me for my strengths, scold me for my weaknesses or just merely listen and never comment on my actions.  I am thankful for all the different types of people in my life.   But I am especially thankful for Jim who had every single one of these qualities in our relationship.  There are days, since Jim's passing, that I have thought to myself, "where is my life leading me now?"  

When I was with him, I always had something to look forward too.  Rather an upcoming wedding, the birth of our son or the birth of our daughter.  I remember he telling me when I was pregnant with Evie, that he was scared.  He was worried that I wouldn't have anything to look forward too.  Many major events happened in our lives.  

Little did he know, but I was looking forward to the everyday events.  The not worrying about a certain date when something major would change our lives, but the everyday dinners as a family.  Or planning a family vacation or just grocery shopping on Saturdays.  I felt like we always worked towards a huge goal that was life changing.  That we never got to experience normal life as a family.  

I now live day to day never looking forward.  I have no idea what my future holds for me, Stetson and Evie.  But what I do know, is Jim will watch over us everyday.  He will be our Angel and God will see that we live the best life possible.  My world is different not looking ahead.  This is one of the many gifts I thank Jim for after his passing.  I cherish the now, and never rush the future. 

The Love of Guidance

I have to share this picture because I love it's meaning.  The kids and their "Meme" made cupcakes for Easter.  I am not sure who was enjoying it more but it definitely was a moment to cherish.  

Back to the Past: BLOG 4

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Time for a blog
Category: Life


Ok, so Sept 3rd I hit the 7mth mark. It sounds like an accomplishment but really I had no choice...I can't control time. But things are going ok. I have been active with friends and family. But you run into test along the way in this "grieving process". One of which I have to get through next weekend. A friend of mine is getting married in the church that Jim and I married and the two songs that were sung at our wedding, she is also having sung at her wedding. I can do this...I can go and not cry. I hate not being able to control my tears at times. But I can do this...right?

I have been doing better. I have reach a "turning" point (at least that is what I think it is) of knowing that my life will be good again. I think I found faith in believing that I can be loved again by someone and that there is someone who is willing to love my kids has his own. Not that I am looking for someone...I just need to start believing. I need to know that my life is not a total lost cause. But I do thank God everyday for those two beautiful children...what would I have done without them. My heart is filled with joy everytime I hear them laugh. It is as if Jim is laughing. I loved his laugh.

So, 7 months of this lifetime "process". You never know how many day to day things you do remind you so much of someone. Like the other day I was craving chilli but didn't think i had the seasoning but you know what....Jim bought some the weekend before he died. (thanks Jim...chilli was good, no beans of course, but you did make it better) Some how it is as if he will always take care of me...even years to come.

Skipping a day from the past....

I am skipping a day from the past to enjoyed this blessed weekend we are spending with Jim's family.  The kids are Easter egg hunting tomorrow after church with all the family youngin's!

Expect more pics!  

Here are some of the kids with their Meme and working hard on the farm. 

Happy Easter everyone!  Have a blessed day!