Sink or Swim

I have officially signed back up to the world of online dating. I have tested these waters once before and either became overwhelmed or disqusted with it...not sure which one. Maybe it is the smell of Summer in the air or just plain boredom that leads me back down this road. Either way I am out there again.

I go back and forth on the concept of online dating. Does it show desperation or is it genuinely a great invention? Uh...don't know. What I do know that sitting at home on a Saturday night watching movies is never going to "get me out there." FYI...I do this not by choice hence the two pictures on the right of this blog. 

So, you know what I do like about internet dating? I can meet men in my PJ's and they have no idea. I don't have to put on makeup, Spanx's, high heels, and everything else to met someone. Which honestly, I do thank Dr. Phil greatly for this! Way to go! 

But really, for the desperation side of this, I don't understand what guys are thinking half the time. I get amazed at the number of them who truly think that emailing me to say "You're Hot!" is really going to get them a second look. Yeah, I'm hot...pshhh...in my PJ's with apple juice spilt all over me while inhaling a corndog watching SpongeBob. Yeah, that's hot. Come on, can't you come up with anything better? Seriously? If I can't carry on a 5 min conversation with me via email or phone, what makes you think I want to live the rest of my life with you? (ok, jumping the gun a bit with that statement) Or even have an hour dinner with you?  Really?

Either way it is perceived in my mind, I am out there again.  I know that I will either sink or swim and I am crossing my fingers that it is swim but if not, have a towel waiting to dry me off!

 

 

Man Projects

You take for granted the little things when you have to do it all yourself. But most of all, I miss not having to do my "man projects." These projects consist of taking the garbage out, changing a light bulb, fixing a broken door knob or even chasing a bird out of the house. YEP...that's right, a bird. Never did Jim and I have animals come in or around our house, but for some reason after he passed they seem to flock towards me.

When I first moved in the house, I was wakened every morning but a rooster.  My first thought was, "Who in the hell would have a rooster at their house in a sub-division?"  Until I noticed it hanging out in MY backyard.  Like I didn't have enough problems to deal with, now I have a wild animal waking me every morning a 5:30am.  I have a 1 year old, an infant, insurance companies, a new house, depression and SO ON...COME ON!

One morning as I was dropping the kids off at daycare, I started talking with a neighbor.  I asked her if she knew who the rooster belonged too.  She started laughing and told me the whole neighborhood thought I brought it with me.  Knowing that Jim just passed, they were being nice not to say anything.  I was so embarrassed!  Why would I want a roaster (aka a mean fighting cock in my eyes)?

So, knowing that it didn't belong to anyone, I called animal control and you know what they told me?  I had to catch it and they would pick it up.  ME CATCH A ROOSTER, HA!!!  That was pretty funny.  After many phone calls, they finally sent someone out to catch him or at least try to catch him.  

When they showed up, he came out of the truck carrying a shot gun, yes a shot gun and a net. I knew I was in Kentucky!  What animal control carries a shot gun?  LOL

After chasing the rooster for 2 hours and missing his first shot, he finally got him.  I have to say it was my first time experiencing the statement "Running around like a chicken with his head cut off."
Let's just say, rooster's do the same!

My Addiction

So as we all know or at least I believe, we all have an addiction to something. Rather it is food, alcohol, smoking, exercise or whatever, we all have addictions. Since Jim’s passing my addiction has become worse. I have always suffered from excessiveness in taking but today my problem is extreme. I wish this addiction was exercise or attending church but it is not. My addiction is what keeps me going from day to day. It helps me clean my house, wash my clothes, attend work, read stories to my kids and even take out the trash. It gets me up in the morning and keeps me up late at night. I love my addiction actually. But I feel it is time to admit my problem. I am pretty sure there isn’t a rehab for my addiction and quiet frankly, I am glad. Because no matter how persuasive the intervention might be, I won’t be able to commit to give it up. So, today I give thanks to my addiction. I couldn’t make it through a day without my Diet Coke!

Stable or Unstable, that is the question

You would think that after 3 1/2 years, I would be stable. But stable is still a word/feeling I am trying to establish in my life. I feel like most days I just run in a circle, trying to figure what to do next. I try hard to avoid the natural things I should be doing, like cleaning, cooking and washing clothes. Although, I have taught myself not to look ahead, I still look for different.     Something to keep me motivated to go on to the next day. I think a lot, that if I had to live everyday the same way without Jim, I would go nuts. Then I think a lot of times, my kids need more consistancy in their lives. I should make a 

 schedule and stick to it. Dinner at 6pm, baths at 7pm, story time at 8pm, lights off at 8:30pm. Which mostly I do, but it is the 8am-6pm that gets me. And of course, the 8:30pm-6am when I am alone. I work part-time, but I am praying everyday that my job lasts. My hours have decreased greatly and my unstable life, has become more unstable. 

What happened to my stable life? What happened to full-time work, family breakfast/dinners, grocery shopping only on early morning Saturdays, Sunday lunch after the church? These are just a few things that were consistant in my life with Jim. We had our routine, we had our way of doing things. Now, who knows when and where we will be. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

So, you probably think that I grieve a lot. But honestly I don't. I just let it all out here. I try hard not to think about Jim and my stable life. I try not to let it bring me down. But I do miss it. I do miss Jim. GOD, I miss Jim. I miss his laugh, his warmth, his love. It is crazy how he can be gone almost longer than we were together and yet, I still miss him.

My son asked this week if he could take the picture of Jim out of room to school to show his friends. Yet again, I was taken back by this but agreed. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me. He shouldn't have to take a picture to prove to his friends that he HAS a daddy. He should be able to have his daddy pick him up. And so should me daughter. Why? Why is this still SO hard?

(picture taken at the birth of my daugther,  7 weeks before Jim's passing)    

A Day at the Park

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Well the pool is opened, heated and filled with all the neighborhood kids and I love it!  The sound of summer at my house is kids laughing, water splashing and popicle licking.  Although, I truly believe I am going to have to ask their parents for a "snack" fund collection this year, I am more than excited to be back in swing of summer again.