Thursday, May 14, 2009

Stable or Unstable, that is the question

You would think that after 3 1/2 years, I would be stable. But stable is still a word/feeling I am trying to establish in my life. I feel like most days I just run in a circle, trying to figure what to do next. I try hard to avoid the natural things I should be doing, like cleaning, cooking and washing clothes. Although, I have taught myself not to look ahead, I still look for different.     Something to keep me motivated to go on to the next day. I think a lot, that if I had to live everyday the same way without Jim, I would go nuts. Then I think a lot of times, my kids need more consistancy in their lives. I should make a 
 schedule and stick to it. Dinner at 6pm, baths at 7pm, story time at 8pm, lights off at 8:30pm. Which mostly I do, but it is the 8am-6pm that gets me. And of course, the 8:30pm-6am when I am alone. I work part-time, but I am praying everyday that my job lasts. My hours have decreased greatly and my unstable life, has become more unstable. 

What happened to my stable life? What happened to full-time work, family breakfast/dinners, grocery shopping only on early morning Saturdays, Sunday lunch after the church? These are just a few things that were consistant in my life with Jim. We had our routine, we had our way of doing things. Now, who knows when and where we will be. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

So, you probably think that I grieve a lot. But honestly I don't. I just let it all out here. I try hard not to think about Jim and my stable life. I try not to let it bring me down. But I do miss it. I do miss Jim. GOD, I miss Jim. I miss his laugh, his warmth, his love. It is crazy how he can be gone almost longer than we were together and yet, I still miss him.

My son asked this week if he could take the picture of Jim out of room to school to show his friends. Yet again, I was taken back by this but agreed. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me. He shouldn't have to take a picture to prove to his friends that he HAS a daddy. He should be able to have his daddy pick him up. And so should me daughter. Why? Why is this still SO hard?

(picture taken at the birth of my daugther,  7 weeks before Jim's passing)    


  1. I love you!!!!!!!!! I am so thankful to have you and the kids in my life. Thanks for being a great "sister" to me and aunt to Landon.

  2. Yes, how awful that a parent is represented by a picture. I can relate to that, even now.

    Those pictures are still there in their bedrooms. Precious beyond measure.

    And yet, the children are adaptable. They accept their situation as entirely normal -- because that's precisely how it has always been for them.

    Looked at another way, I think your son's wish to take a photo with him to school is extremely positive. It's a part of who he is and how he defines himself. And as painful as that seems, he is comfortable with that.

    It's not perfect, but you can live and work with that. Over time.

    Best wishes from London. And spirits up.

  3. I am a new widow with 4 kids under age 6, I totally relate to what you are saying...thanks for sharing it