Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
So, I am starting the 30 day challenge on July 5, 2009! My goal is to lose at least 15lbs and increase my energy. The weight is important but the ENERGY is extremely important. I will log everything I eat, drink and all of my workout time, etc. I will also bitch a lot along with brag a lot when my pants start fitting better. So, if you are not up to my challenge, then you might want to refrain from coming to my blog for 30 days. I will however, keep posting pics and blogs in conjunction to this challenge.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
*Please note that this blog is for adults 18 and older.
Ok, so I haven’t blogged in awhile and mainly because I have bee
But there is a part of this vacation that was jaw dropping experience. I do have to say this was a first for me and I am sure many of you.
Monday, June 8, 2009
So, I spent the past weekend in Chaffee MO. As some of you know, I grew up close to the area but can honestly say I don't remember ever stepping foot in Chaffee. And when I say foot, I mean foot! This town isn't large enough for both of your feet. Although, it is quite small, it does have a comforting charm to it.
During my visit I was given the "grand" tour. The city center (cough) had an adorable little gazebo in the middle and of course, I had to snap a shot. Now it still needs some more tweaking but I am proud to say that it will soon hang over the toilet of a well know Chaffee celebrity! Yep! That's right! So, for those of you who had little to no faith in my photography future, HA! Just take a visit to the bathroom next time you are in Chaffee and you will see my work above a porcelain god.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Now, I am not going to say that I am "perfect" at keeping this from happening to me and disturbing others but I do try to prevent at all cost. Like Jim's death, I was unable to prevent that and God knows I would have had he giving me the power. But calling everybody and their mother's to bitch about spilling M&M’s all over the floor? Geez, just pick the damn things up and go on with your life. (FYI...I have seen this example in person, not fun!)
Speaking of going on with your life, I truly believe one thing that can cause the big "D" is rehashing the past. I know people go through some really horrible times. But reliving it on a day to day basis is only going to cause pain which will only make you become a person no one wants to be around. I really wonder if these people ever think about this? Would you want to sit at a bar listening to Sue cry over her boyfriend or would you want to listen to Jenny make fun of her ex-boyfriend? It is the same thing about your past. Nobody wants to hear me talk about Jim all the time and have me cry about him and the pain his death caused me and my kids. That is why I do it here. You can choose not to read my DRAMA!
So here today, I declare my goal is to live the DFL (Drama Free Life)!!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I have officially signed back up to the world of online dating. I have tested these waters once before and either became overwhelmed or disqusted with it...not sure which one. Maybe it is the smell of Summer in the air or just plain boredom that leads me back down this road. Either way I am out there again.
I go back and forth on the concept of online dating. Does it show desperation or is it genuinely a great invention? Uh...don't know. What I do know that sitting at home on a Saturday night watching movies is never going to "get me out there." FYI...I do this not by choice hence the two pictures on the right of this blog.
So, you know what I do like about internet dating? I can meet men in my PJ's and they have no idea. I don't have to put on makeup, Spanx's, high heels, and everything else to met someone. Which honestly, I do thank Dr. Phil greatly for this! Way to go!
But really, for the desperation side of this, I don't understand what guys are thinking half the time. I get amazed at the number of them who truly think that emailing me to say "You're Hot!" is really going to get them a second look. Yeah, I'm hot...pshhh...in my PJ's with apple juice spilt all over me while inhaling a corndog watching SpongeBob. Yeah, that's hot. Come on, can't you come up with anything better? Seriously? If I can't carry on a 5 min conversation with me via email or phone, what makes you think I want to live the rest of my life with you? (ok, jumping the gun a bit with that statement) Or even have an hour dinner with you? Really?
Either way it is perceived in my mind, I am out there again. I know that I will either sink or swim and I am crossing my fingers that it is swim but if not, have a towel waiting to dry me off!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Let's just say, rooster's do the same!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
You would think that after 3 1/2 years, I would be stable. But stable is still a word/feeling I am trying to establish in my life. I feel like most days I just run in a circle, trying to figure what to do next. I try hard to avoid the natural things I should be doing, like cleaning, cooking and washing clothes. Although, I have taught myself not to look ahead, I still look for different. Something to keep me motivated to go on to the next day. I think a lot, that if I had to live everyday the same way without Jim, I would go nuts. Then I think a lot of times, my kids need more consistancy in their lives. I should make a
What happened to my stable life? What happened to full-time work, family breakfast/dinners, grocery shopping only on early morning Saturdays, Sunday lunch after the church? These are just a few things that were consistant in my life with Jim. We had our routine, we had our way of doing things. Now, who knows when and where we will be. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
So, you probably think that I grieve a lot. But honestly I don't. I just let it all out here. I try hard not to think about Jim and my stable life. I try not to let it bring me down. But I do miss it. I do miss Jim. GOD, I miss Jim. I miss his laugh, his warmth, his love. It is crazy how he can be gone almost longer than we were together and yet, I still miss him.
My son asked this week if he could take the picture of Jim out of room to school to show his friends. Yet again, I was taken back by this but agreed. The more I think about it, the more it upsets me. He shouldn't have to take a picture to prove to his friends that he HAS a daddy. He should be able to have his daddy pick him up. And so should me daughter. Why? Why is this still SO hard?
(picture taken at the birth of my daugther, 7 weeks before Jim's passing)
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Why is love so hard to find and keep?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Turns out my pool liner had a hole in it. After draining the pool, patching the hole and beginning to refill, the kids got too excited about swimming! I love it! Oh, and YES they stripped down to their undies...who needs a bathing suit? LOL
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So, as most of you know, I am VERY new to the photography thing. I am being self-taught with many books, webpages and personal advice from professionals. I am loving every minute but I have to tell you, I have a HUGE ITCH to learn more and can't wait to get into a class. I also have to say, I am seeing the world totally different these days. I see simple images through a camera lens instead of the naked eye. It is truly amazing and really can't wait to see more.
My parents moved to Kentucky right after Jim's passing to help me with the kids. It was hard to accept help at first because I felt like I should be "Super Mom." Thinking, "these are my kids now and I have to do it ALL by myself." But you know what? NO one is SuperMom. And accepting help from others, is a really great thing. I remember the first night I got to sleep 8 straight hours. It felt better than the thought of winning the lottery. Now, the kids spend one night a week over there. I wish Jim's mother was closer so they could share this time with her too but I am very thankful to have my mother close.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Time for a blog
Ok, so Sept 3rd I hit the 7mth mark. It sounds like an accomplishment but really I had no choice...I can't control time. But things are going ok. I have been active with friends and family. But you run into test along the way in this "grieving process". One of which I have to get through next weekend. A friend of mine is getting married in the church that Jim and I married and the two songs that were sung at our wedding, she is also having sung at her wedding. I can do this...I can go and not cry. I hate not being able to control my tears at times. But I can do this...right?
I have been doing better. I have reach a "turning" point (at least that is what I think it is) of knowing that my life will be good again. I think I found faith in believing that I can be loved again by someone and that there is someone who is willing to love my kids has his own. Not that I am looking for someone...I just need to start believing. I need to know that my life is not a total lost cause. But I do thank God everyday for those two beautiful children...what would I have done without them. My heart is filled with joy everytime I hear them laugh. It is as if Jim is laughing. I loved his laugh.
So, 7 months of this lifetime "process". You never know how many day to day things you do remind you so much of someone. Like the other day I was craving chilli but didn't think i had the seasoning but you know what....Jim bought some the weekend before he died. (thanks Jim...chilli was good, no beans of course, but you did make it better) Some how it is as if he will always take care of me...even years to come.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I am skipping a day from the past to enjoyed this blessed weekend we are spending with Jim's family. The kids are Easter egg hunting tomorrow after church with all the family youngin's!
Friday, April 10, 2009
JULY 26, 2006
Three years ago, to the today, I was so excited about becoming Mrs. Jim Coursey. I didnt care about my dress, the flowers or anything else other than the fact that I was going to finally be Jims wife. For those of you who dont know, Jim and I lived more than 10 hours away from each other for a year prior to marriage. I was in
Jim knew that he wasnt going to live long. He always said that to his friends and family. I think it was because his dad died at a young age. But I think there was a turning point for Jim. I believe that when our son and daughter were born that he wanted to live longer that he thought he would. I think he began to get scared and really tired which wore his body out. I have no doubt in my head and heart that Jim loved me and our children. And I believe that people have many changing thoughts about what they want in life. I believe that Jim tried really hard for so long to find his happiness until one day he stopped. And then we found each other. Would I do it all again even knowing the outcome? YESnot only for Jim and my kids but for me. I have learned a lot over the 5 years. Nothing is more important that ones happinesseven if it takes you 40 years to find it. I dont know what is in store for Stetson, Evie and myself but I know God has a real challenge if he thinks he can make it better that my life with Jim.
Jim was the best husband a wife could ever ask for
We almost made it to three yearsbut we had the best 2 ½ years I could ever pray for.
Jim wrote this to me last year for our 2nd Anniversary
Happy 2nd Anniversary
Believing in me.
Being a wonderful mother and mother to be.
Putting up with a full year and more of living in a construction zone. (Its almost over!)
Being as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside.
Going to work when you would rather be at home with Stetson.
Looking out for the family budget.
Loving my family and being willing to spend time with them.
Caring about our spiritual well being.
Always remembering giving is more satisfying than getting and never complaining when we write a check for someone else instead of spending it on ourselves.
Getting up in the middle of the night.
Putting up with my friends and letting me still be one of the boys when I ask for a weekend off.
Sharing a life with me.
In two years I have never once had the passing thought, Is this going to work? You made it worth the wait.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Current mood: depressed
Ok so here I go again...been pretty down lately and trying to hide it. Night time is the worse. God, I miss Jim so much. I just try to block him from my mind. I just try not to think of him. And then I think everything will be ok. All I have to do is go back to the time before we even knew each other but this time with kids. I know that is awful to think but it is the only thing that gets me through my day. I laugh and then feel guilty later about laughing...ugh...I hate this. I hide comfort in friends and then feel guilty about that.... So next week, July 26th would have been our 3rd anniversary. Now it is just another crappy day I have to get through. I have had a lot of special people in my life help me deal with Jim's death. My best friend who is on cloud nine...my family who gets tired of hearing about Jim because it only makes them sad...and a dear friend who calls once or twice a week and doesn't have any idea how much I love him for that. I keep thinking that this is going to end soon but it keeps haunting me...I keep thinking that I am going to wake up. I look at my son and see how big he he is or even my daughter for that and can't even imagine that Jim isn't seeing them grow. They play together now and I know Jim would have loved to see his kids enjoying each other.
Jim got really worried about me after I had my daughter because he was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to look forward to...meaning, we meet and feel madly in love. Got engaged one year, married the next, our first child the second year and our second child the third year. Every year I had something so exciting to look forward to and now I just live day to day. I don't wish for next week, next month or next year. I just wish for today to be good. This is something I wish I would have done when he was alive...I feel like I wished so many of our days together away. I would just give anything to have him back for just one hour and then I would tell him all the things that I always told him but for some reason I would think it would mean more this time.
Ok so I am talking nonsense so I will end for now...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Current mood: depressed
ok, so this is my first time blogging...if that is what you say. Right now in my life I don't make a lot of sense...my world is spinning so fast that I can't think straight. As you might have read, my husband passed away a month ago from today. I can't believe that it has been a month already. It feels like yesterday we were talking, laughing, loving...My husband was the most wonderful man in the world. Everyday since he has passed I have received cards, emails, letters from so many people reminding me of that. Today I got a hand written letter from the Governor of KY...not many people get that. I am the luckiest person in the world to say that I was married to him and that I have two beautiful children by him. I just don't get it though...why do the happiest people get it so bad. Why did my husband have to die? I remember telling Jim just about a week before his death, how happy I was. No seriously, I know that we had our hands full with two young babies but I was truly happy. I didn't want anything to change. But it did and I am still trying to cope with not having him around. He was my best friend. I miss not being able to call him when Stetson (my son) does something funny or when Evie (my daughter) smiles for the first time. I miss kissing him goodbye every morning and as we go to sleep at night. I miss him holding my hand as we drive down the road. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss, I miss, I miss EVERYTHING. He was a good man...He was my husband...why?
I love you Jim and I miss you so much. I will be with you soon...I have a few things to do here first.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
So Evie discovered that she has creases in the palm of her hand. She seemed extremely amazed by this and wanted to show everyone. We were in the car heading to my parents house when she said "Mommy, I am going to show Nana my crack." I was puzzled and said "Your crack, what is that?" She held her hand up and pointed to the creases in her hand. Ok, I thought...that's fine.
Friday, March 27, 2009
So my son has a very creative imagination. But I have to share a story about one of our many conversation about daddy. Of course I have explained to them that they have a very special "daddy" because he lives with God instead of us. Stetson and Evie still have a hard time understanding this concept. They see a lot of their friends who have divorced parents and spend their weekends with mommy or daddy. So Stetson comes to me one day with his Spiderman backpack slunge around his shoulder saying, "Ok Mommy, I am ready."