Why is love so hard to find and keep?
Monday, April 27, 2009
Why is love so hard to find and keep?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Turns out my pool liner had a hole in it. After draining the pool, patching the hole and beginning to refill, the kids got too excited about swimming! I love it! Oh, and YES they stripped down to their undies...who needs a bathing suit? LOL
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So, as most of you know, I am VERY new to the photography thing. I am being self-taught with many books, webpages and personal advice from professionals. I am loving every minute but I have to tell you, I have a HUGE ITCH to learn more and can't wait to get into a class. I also have to say, I am seeing the world totally different these days. I see simple images through a camera lens instead of the naked eye. It is truly amazing and really can't wait to see more.
My parents moved to Kentucky right after Jim's passing to help me with the kids. It was hard to accept help at first because I felt like I should be "Super Mom." Thinking, "these are my kids now and I have to do it ALL by myself." But you know what? NO one is SuperMom. And accepting help from others, is a really great thing. I remember the first night I got to sleep 8 straight hours. It felt better than the thought of winning the lottery. Now, the kids spend one night a week over there. I wish Jim's mother was closer so they could share this time with her too but I am very thankful to have my mother close.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Time for a blog
Ok, so Sept 3rd I hit the 7mth mark. It sounds like an accomplishment but really I had no choice...I can't control time. But things are going ok. I have been active with friends and family. But you run into test along the way in this "grieving process". One of which I have to get through next weekend. A friend of mine is getting married in the church that Jim and I married and the two songs that were sung at our wedding, she is also having sung at her wedding. I can do this...I can go and not cry. I hate not being able to control my tears at times. But I can do this...right?
I have been doing better. I have reach a "turning" point (at least that is what I think it is) of knowing that my life will be good again. I think I found faith in believing that I can be loved again by someone and that there is someone who is willing to love my kids has his own. Not that I am looking for someone...I just need to start believing. I need to know that my life is not a total lost cause. But I do thank God everyday for those two beautiful children...what would I have done without them. My heart is filled with joy everytime I hear them laugh. It is as if Jim is laughing. I loved his laugh.
So, 7 months of this lifetime "process". You never know how many day to day things you do remind you so much of someone. Like the other day I was craving chilli but didn't think i had the seasoning but you know what....Jim bought some the weekend before he died. (thanks Jim...chilli was good, no beans of course, but you did make it better) Some how it is as if he will always take care of me...even years to come.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I am skipping a day from the past to enjoyed this blessed weekend we are spending with Jim's family. The kids are Easter egg hunting tomorrow after church with all the family youngin's!
Friday, April 10, 2009
JULY 26, 2006
Three years ago, to the today, I was so excited about becoming Mrs. Jim Coursey. I didnt care about my dress, the flowers or anything else other than the fact that I was going to finally be Jims wife. For those of you who dont know, Jim and I lived more than 10 hours away from each other for a year prior to marriage. I was in
Jim knew that he wasnt going to live long. He always said that to his friends and family. I think it was because his dad died at a young age. But I think there was a turning point for Jim. I believe that when our son and daughter were born that he wanted to live longer that he thought he would. I think he began to get scared and really tired which wore his body out. I have no doubt in my head and heart that Jim loved me and our children. And I believe that people have many changing thoughts about what they want in life. I believe that Jim tried really hard for so long to find his happiness until one day he stopped. And then we found each other. Would I do it all again even knowing the outcome? YESnot only for Jim and my kids but for me. I have learned a lot over the 5 years. Nothing is more important that ones happinesseven if it takes you 40 years to find it. I dont know what is in store for Stetson, Evie and myself but I know God has a real challenge if he thinks he can make it better that my life with Jim.
Jim was the best husband a wife could ever ask for
We almost made it to three yearsbut we had the best 2 ½ years I could ever pray for.
Jim wrote this to me last year for our 2nd Anniversary
Happy 2nd Anniversary
Believing in me.
Being a wonderful mother and mother to be.
Putting up with a full year and more of living in a construction zone. (Its almost over!)
Being as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside.
Going to work when you would rather be at home with Stetson.
Looking out for the family budget.
Loving my family and being willing to spend time with them.
Caring about our spiritual well being.
Always remembering giving is more satisfying than getting and never complaining when we write a check for someone else instead of spending it on ourselves.
Getting up in the middle of the night.
Putting up with my friends and letting me still be one of the boys when I ask for a weekend off.
Sharing a life with me.
In two years I have never once had the passing thought, Is this going to work? You made it worth the wait.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Current mood: depressed
Ok so here I go again...been pretty down lately and trying to hide it. Night time is the worse. God, I miss Jim so much. I just try to block him from my mind. I just try not to think of him. And then I think everything will be ok. All I have to do is go back to the time before we even knew each other but this time with kids. I know that is awful to think but it is the only thing that gets me through my day. I laugh and then feel guilty later about laughing...ugh...I hate this. I hide comfort in friends and then feel guilty about that.... So next week, July 26th would have been our 3rd anniversary. Now it is just another crappy day I have to get through. I have had a lot of special people in my life help me deal with Jim's death. My best friend who is on cloud nine...my family who gets tired of hearing about Jim because it only makes them sad...and a dear friend who calls once or twice a week and doesn't have any idea how much I love him for that. I keep thinking that this is going to end soon but it keeps haunting me...I keep thinking that I am going to wake up. I look at my son and see how big he he is or even my daughter for that and can't even imagine that Jim isn't seeing them grow. They play together now and I know Jim would have loved to see his kids enjoying each other.
Jim got really worried about me after I had my daughter because he was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to look forward to...meaning, we meet and feel madly in love. Got engaged one year, married the next, our first child the second year and our second child the third year. Every year I had something so exciting to look forward to and now I just live day to day. I don't wish for next week, next month or next year. I just wish for today to be good. This is something I wish I would have done when he was alive...I feel like I wished so many of our days together away. I would just give anything to have him back for just one hour and then I would tell him all the things that I always told him but for some reason I would think it would mean more this time.
Ok so I am talking nonsense so I will end for now...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Current mood: depressed
ok, so this is my first time blogging...if that is what you say. Right now in my life I don't make a lot of sense...my world is spinning so fast that I can't think straight. As you might have read, my husband passed away a month ago from today. I can't believe that it has been a month already. It feels like yesterday we were talking, laughing, loving...My husband was the most wonderful man in the world. Everyday since he has passed I have received cards, emails, letters from so many people reminding me of that. Today I got a hand written letter from the Governor of KY...not many people get that. I am the luckiest person in the world to say that I was married to him and that I have two beautiful children by him. I just don't get it though...why do the happiest people get it so bad. Why did my husband have to die? I remember telling Jim just about a week before his death, how happy I was. No seriously, I know that we had our hands full with two young babies but I was truly happy. I didn't want anything to change. But it did and I am still trying to cope with not having him around. He was my best friend. I miss not being able to call him when Stetson (my son) does something funny or when Evie (my daughter) smiles for the first time. I miss kissing him goodbye every morning and as we go to sleep at night. I miss him holding my hand as we drive down the road. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss, I miss, I miss EVERYTHING. He was a good man...He was my husband...why?
I love you Jim and I miss you so much. I will be with you soon...I have a few things to do here first.