Why is love so hard to find and keep?  

It seems like we run through a maze to find it and yet when we reach the end it seems impossible to keep.

My favorite memory, is the beginning.  The unknown of where the relationship is going to lead but discovering new and exciting qualities about one another.  Staying on the phone all night, goose bumps before he picks you up for a date and the fear, yet excitment that this could be the man I spend the rest of my life with.  

Why does love have to be so hard?

I am ready for simplicty again.  

Polly want a cracker?

So the other day, I took the kids to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and of course I could get out of there with just buying breakfast.  Between stuffed animals costing $15 (aka webkinz) and the $20 talking parrot, I encouraged the parrot!  This thing is really pretty cool!  It repeats what you say.  I loved it and the kids do too.  Now, give me a week and I will want to throw this thing in the pool after non-stop repeating but for now, it is pretty cool!

Refillin' the Pool

Turns out my pool liner had a hole in it.  After draining the pool, patching the hole and beginning to refill, the kids got too excited about swimming!  I love it!  Oh, and YES they stripped down to their undies...who needs a bathing suit?  LOL

Don't fall out of your rockin' chair

So, as most of you know, I am VERY new to the photography thing.  I am being self-taught with many books, webpages and personal advice from professionals.  I am loving every minute but I have to tell you, I have a HUGE ITCH to learn more and can't wait to get into a class.  I also have to say, I am seeing the world totally different these days.  I see simple images through a camera lens instead of the naked eye.  It is truly amazing and really can't wait to see more.  

I have photographed other kids and compared to my two, they ALWAYS seem to photograph better.  Is it because I am too picky on the images of my kids?  I want to think so, but I can never get them to smile.  Silly faces with tongues sticking out, or eyes rolled up is mostly what I get.  How can I get a great smile with eyes open?  This is delima.  

I did however get one shot of Evie smiling but only because she was fallin' out of her rockin' chair.  

My mother

My parents moved to Kentucky right after Jim's passing to help me with the kids.  It was hard to accept help at first because I felt like I should be "Super Mom."  Thinking, "these are my kids now and I have to do it ALL by myself."  But you know what?  NO one is SuperMom.  And accepting help from others, is a really great thing.  I remember the first night I got to sleep 8 straight hours.  It felt better than the thought of winning the lottery.  Now, the kids spend one night a week over there.  I wish Jim's mother was closer so they could share this time with her too but I am very thankful to have my mother close.  

Spring is here

I love this picture.  I can't wait to watch all the flowers grow. 

What lies ahead

The people in my life:

There have been many people in my life.  Some I would mention and some I wouldn't, just for saving face.  But I have to say, that every person who has come into my life has had a purpose. Rather that purpose is to praise me for my strengths, scold me for my weaknesses or just merely listen and never comment on my actions.  I am thankful for all the different types of people in my life.   But I am especially thankful for Jim who had every single one of these qualities in our relationship.  There are days, since Jim's passing, that I have thought to myself, "where is my life leading me now?"  

When I was with him, I always had something to look forward too.  Rather an upcoming wedding, the birth of our son or the birth of our daughter.  I remember he telling me when I was pregnant with Evie, that he was scared.  He was worried that I wouldn't have anything to look forward too.  Many major events happened in our lives.  

Little did he know, but I was looking forward to the everyday events.  The not worrying about a certain date when something major would change our lives, but the everyday dinners as a family.  Or planning a family vacation or just grocery shopping on Saturdays.  I felt like we always worked towards a huge goal that was life changing.  That we never got to experience normal life as a family.  

I now live day to day never looking forward.  I have no idea what my future holds for me, Stetson and Evie.  But what I do know, is Jim will watch over us everyday.  He will be our Angel and God will see that we live the best life possible.  My world is different not looking ahead.  This is one of the many gifts I thank Jim for after his passing.  I cherish the now, and never rush the future. 

The Love of Guidance

I have to share this picture because I love it's meaning.  The kids and their "Meme" made cupcakes for Easter.  I am not sure who was enjoying it more but it definitely was a moment to cherish.  

Back to the Past: BLOG 4

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Time for a blog
Category: Life


Ok, so Sept 3rd I hit the 7mth mark. It sounds like an accomplishment but really I had no choice...I can't control time. But things are going ok. I have been active with friends and family. But you run into test along the way in this "grieving process". One of which I have to get through next weekend. A friend of mine is getting married in the church that Jim and I married and the two songs that were sung at our wedding, she is also having sung at her wedding. I can do this...I can go and not cry. I hate not being able to control my tears at times. But I can do this...right?

I have been doing better. I have reach a "turning" point (at least that is what I think it is) of knowing that my life will be good again. I think I found faith in believing that I can be loved again by someone and that there is someone who is willing to love my kids has his own. Not that I am looking for someone...I just need to start believing. I need to know that my life is not a total lost cause. But I do thank God everyday for those two beautiful children...what would I have done without them. My heart is filled with joy everytime I hear them laugh. It is as if Jim is laughing. I loved his laugh.

So, 7 months of this lifetime "process". You never know how many day to day things you do remind you so much of someone. Like the other day I was craving chilli but didn't think i had the seasoning but you know what....Jim bought some the weekend before he died. (thanks Jim...chilli was good, no beans of course, but you did make it better) Some how it is as if he will always take care of me...even years to come.

Skipping a day from the past....

I am skipping a day from the past to enjoyed this blessed weekend we are spending with Jim's family.  The kids are Easter egg hunting tomorrow after church with all the family youngin's!

Expect more pics!  

Here are some of the kids with their Meme and working hard on the farm. 

Happy Easter everyone!  Have a blessed day!

3rd Blog from the past...

JULY 26, 2006

Three years ago, to the today, I was so excited about becoming Mrs. Jim Coursey.  I didnt care about my dress, the flowers or anything else other than the fact that I was going to finally be Jims wife.  For those of you who dont know, Jim and I lived more than 10 hours away from each other for a year prior to marriage.  I was in Paducah and he was in Charlotte.  We were so ready to start our lives together.  He flew in on the 24^th of July and made it to my hometown of Caruthersville MO on the 25^th.  Just in time for us to get our marriage license and prepare for rehearsal dinner.  I couldnt believe that he was there and within less than 24 hours we would be husband and wifemany people couldnt believe that Jim was finally getting married.  After a sleepless night, we did itwe came Mr. and Mrs. Jim Coursey.  When we walked out of the sanctuary we went downstairs to the basement of the church.  We had our first few moments together.  God, I have he face forever in my memory during that timehe was happy and so was I.  It was as if peace had finally come and there were no more missing links in our lives. After a wonderful reception, Jim and I travel to Jackson TN to stay the night before heading to Biltmore Estate.  I didnt find out until the next morning that the hotel we stayed in was the last hotel his parents stayed before his father passed away.  It is weird how things play out in our lives.  Do I miss Jim??  Like CRAZY But I know that he is in the most wonderful place ever created.  I miss being able to cherish this day with him.  I miss not hearing Stetson say daddy that much.  I miss lying on the couch at night after all the kids are asleep and having our time together.  I miss cutting his toenails (crazy, huh?)  I miss his laughhe had the best laugh.  The kinds that even a stranger who knew nothing about him would laugh just if they heard him laughing.  He also had this way of pulling his head back when he laughedI always made fun of him for that.  I really miss him telling me that he loved me.  We never went a day without.  Everyone said that we were still in the honeymoon phase but I truly believe that even 20 years later we still would have kissed, touched and talked the same way as we did the first month of marriage.  It was what kept us going

Jim knew that he wasnt going to live long.  He always said that to his friends and family.  I think it was because his dad died at a young age. But I think there was a turning point for Jim.  I believe that when our son and daughter were born that he wanted to live longer that he thought he would.  I think he began to get scared and really tired which wore his body out.  I have no doubt in my head and heart that Jim loved me and our children.  And I believe that people have many changing thoughts about what they want in life.  I believe that Jim tried really hard for so long to find his happiness until one day he stopped.  And then we found each other.  Would I do it all again even knowing the outcome?  YESnot only for Jim and my kids but for me.  I have learned a lot over the 5 years.  Nothing is more important that ones happinesseven if it takes you 40 years to find it.  I dont know what is in store for Stetson, Evie and myself but I know God has a real challenge if he thinks he can make it better that my life with Jim. 

Jim was the best husband a wife could ever ask for

We almost made it to three yearsbut we had the best 2 ½ years I could ever pray for.

 

Jim wrote this to me last year for our 2^nd Anniversary

 

Happy 2^nd Anniversary

 

Thanks for

 

Believing in me.

 

Trusting me.

 

Being a wonderful mother and mother to be.

 

Putting up with a full year and more of living in a construction zone.  (Its almost over!)

 

Being as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside.

 

Going to work when you would rather be at home with Stetson.

 

Being patient.

 

Looking out for the family budget.

 

Loving my family and being willing to spend time with them.

 

Caring about our spiritual well being.

 

Always remembering giving is more satisfying than getting and never complaining when we write a check for someone else instead of spending it on ourselves.

 

Getting up in the middle of the night.

 

Putting up with my friends and letting me still be one of the boys when I ask for a weekend off.

 

Sharing a life with me.

 

In two years I have never once had the passing thought, Is this going to work?   You made it worth the wait.

From the Past....2nd blog

Thursday, July 20, 2006 

July 26...just another crappy day Current mood:  depressed Ok so here I go again...been pretty down lately and trying to hide it.  Night time is the worse.  God, I miss Jim so much.  I just try to block him from my mind.  I just try not to think of him.  And then I think everything will be ok.  All I have to do is go back to the time before we even knew each other but this time with kids.  I know that is awful to think but it is the only thing that gets me through my day.  I laugh and then feel guilty later about laughing...ugh...I hate this.  I hide comfort in friends and then feel guilty about that....  So next week, July 26th would have been our 3rd anniversary.  Now it is just another crappy day I have to get through.  I have had a lot of special people in my life help me deal with Jim's death.  My best friend who is on cloud nine...my family who gets tired of hearing about Jim because it only makes them sad...and a dear friend who calls once or twice a week and doesn't have any idea how much I love him for that.  I keep thinking that this is going to end soon but it keeps haunting me...I keep thinking that I am going to wake up.  I look at my son and see how big he he is or even my daughter for that and can't even imagine that Jim isn't seeing them grow.  They play together now and I know Jim would have loved to see his kids enjoying each other.  Jim got really worried about me after I had my daughter because he was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to look forward to...meaning, we meet and feel madly in love.  Got engaged one year, married the next, our first child the second year and our second child the third year.  Every year I had something so exciting to look forward to and now I just live day to day.  I don't wish for next week, next month or next year.  I just wish for today to be good.  This is something I wish I would have done when he was alive...I feel like I wished so many of our days together away.  I would just give anything to have him back for just one hour and then I would tell him all the things that I always told him but for some reason I would think it would mean more this time.  Ok so I am talking nonsense so I will end for now...

Starting back at the beginning...

I first starting blogging on MYSPACE after Jim passed.  Since I started this blog, I have thought a lot that I should post my older blogs on here.  So, I have decided to share each of them with you.  My emotions have changed since my first post but it is still amazing to me to read my roller coaster ride over the past three years. 

Saturday, March 04, 2006 

First time Current mood:  depressed ok, so this is my first time blogging...if that is what you say.  Right now in my life I don't make a lot of sense...my world is spinning so fast that I can't think straight.  As you might have read, my husband passed away a month ago from today.  I can't believe that it has been a month already.  It feels like yesterday we were talking, laughing, loving...My husband was the most wonderful man in the world.  Everyday since he has passed I have received cards, emails, letters from so many people reminding me of that.  Today I got a hand written letter from the Governor of KY...not many people get that.  I am the luckiest person in the world to say that I was married to him and that I have two beautiful children by him.  I just don't get it though...why do the happiest people get it so bad.  Why did my husband have to die?  I remember telling Jim just about a week before his death, how happy I was.  No seriously, I know that we had our hands full with two young babies but I was truly happy.  I didn't want anything to change.  But it did and I am still trying to cope with not having him around.  He was my best friend.  I miss not being able to call him when Stetson (my son) does something funny or when Evie (my daughter) smiles for the first time.  I miss kissing him goodbye every morning and as we go to sleep at night.  I miss him holding my hand as we drive down the road. I miss the way he looked at me.  I miss his smile, his laugh.  I miss, I miss, I miss EVERYTHING.  He was a good man...He was my husband...why?  I love you Jim and I miss you so much.  I will be with you soon...I have a few things to do here first.

Decisions, decisions?  

Clubhouse

Welcome to the CLUBHOUSE!  Isn't this just the cutest thing you have ever seen?  Stetson and Evie and the neighborhood kids have created a clubhouse and this is their sign!  It makes me miss being a child.  Do you think they would add Mommy to their sign?

Summer Memories Make Me Want More

This picture is from last summer but I love the thought of it.  It excites me to open the pool and create new memories this summer.  And for all of you wondering if she has on her clothes, YES!  The kids were so happy when the pool was ready last year that they got in with their clothes on!