From the Past....2nd blog

Thursday, July 20, 2006 

July 26...just another crappy day Current mood:  depressed Ok so here I go again...been pretty down lately and trying to hide it.  Night time is the worse.  God, I miss Jim so much.  I just try to block him from my mind.  I just try not to think of him.  And then I think everything will be ok.  All I have to do is go back to the time before we even knew each other but this time with kids.  I know that is awful to think but it is the only thing that gets me through my day.  I laugh and then feel guilty later about laughing...ugh...I hate this.  I hide comfort in friends and then feel guilty about that....  So next week, July 26th would have been our 3rd anniversary.  Now it is just another crappy day I have to get through.  I have had a lot of special people in my life help me deal with Jim's death.  My best friend who is on cloud nine...my family who gets tired of hearing about Jim because it only makes them sad...and a dear friend who calls once or twice a week and doesn't have any idea how much I love him for that.  I keep thinking that this is going to end soon but it keeps haunting me...I keep thinking that I am going to wake up.  I look at my son and see how big he he is or even my daughter for that and can't even imagine that Jim isn't seeing them grow.  They play together now and I know Jim would have loved to see his kids enjoying each other.  Jim got really worried about me after I had my daughter because he was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to look forward to...meaning, we meet and feel madly in love.  Got engaged one year, married the next, our first child the second year and our second child the third year.  Every year I had something so exciting to look forward to and now I just live day to day.  I don't wish for next week, next month or next year.  I just wish for today to be good.  This is something I wish I would have done when he was alive...I feel like I wished so many of our days together away.  I would just give anything to have him back for just one hour and then I would tell him all the things that I always told him but for some reason I would think it would mean more this time.  Ok so I am talking nonsense so I will end for now...